Laura Mainella

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Milk and Quackers

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Anyone who has ever tried online dating generally has the same apprehension.

 

I haven't considered putting myself out there but I can say with certaintly that I would rather start every conversation for the rest of my life with the phrase, “I’m wearing a diaper” or even sit on an uncovered gas station toilet seat while setting my teeth on fire than to meet randos through my computer.

 

My friend Vicky however, can attest that it is a spectacular way to meet weirdos. In fact, it can at times make one wonder if a good portion of the male population has been taking etiquette lessons from Charlie Sheen.

 

Vicky very recently met someone through the Bumble App. They had been talking and texting for about a week before they arranged a time to meet. He seemed like a decent enough guy and she told him she was looking forward to their date and getting to know him.

 

Vicky was pumped and exhilarated and certainly not prepared for this next text:

 

“By the way, I really like breasts. Some guys are ass men or leg men, but I’m really into boobs.”

 

Vicky took a moment to pause then reacted the only way one would with the following:

 

WTF???

 

As she was pondering the wide variety of hooter types this douche might enjoy, another text popped up:

“I hope I didn’t freak you out. I just thought I should mention it because it’s really important to me.”

 

Alrighty. This was not just some random, misfired comment — this bouncy castle business was actually a critical factor in the fate of their relationship. And they hadn’t even met.

 

Should I wear a double padded bra and a low cut top so he can evaluate my frontal accoutrements straight away? Vicky wondered. What if I get there first? Should I stand up when he shows up and lean into a hug?

 

She knew that if she didn’t show her knockers to him right off the bat, they’d both sit there smiling and making small talk, all the while the big question looming in the air:  Are her fun bags up to snuff?

 

It is one thing to mention it during a conversation when the question “What is your favorite body part?” comes up. Yet it is quite another to send a random, unsolicited text proclaiming your utter infactuation prior to meeting your date – and then a follow-up message to reiterate its importance.

 

Vicky never did meet up with the big tit but wanted some advice on what to say.

 

Pssssht...don't waste your time sista. Just keep it short and sweet. D-cup the douches number from your phone ...oh but before that, send him a random pic of a pregnant cow and tell him...

 

 "Thanks for the Mammories asstard."

High School. Discussion. Closed.

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