Laura Mainella

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Bad Kissers Need Not Apply

Posted by on in Daily Randomness
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I had been recently flirting with a guy that I've known for about six years.  He is newly single, a lawyer, great looking, charming and charismatic.  I've always had a bit of a crush on him but he was the "Perpetual dater"...the guy that went from one relationship to another without ever taking a break.

We had been talking for weeks on the phone, texting and emailing but have both been too busy with our crazy schedules and the holidays to get together.

I finally had a chance to invite Mr. Dreamboat over for dinner the other night.

The meal, dare I say so myself, was stellar. The main dish was rack of lamb with herbes de provence and roasted tomatoes, served with a Pinot Noir. The entire night seemed to go very well.  It went off without a hitch actually - even better than I expected.

I knew he was a huge Senators fan, so after dinner, instead of renting a movie, we decided to watch the hockey game.  Our eyes barely glanced at the TV screen, we talked right through the game.  Our conversations were engaging and electric. There were sparks flying everywhere. Sadly, the night ended pretty early, as I had to catch the first flight to New York in the morning for a seminar.

Saying goodbye after a first date is always so incredibly awkward.  I had been fantasizing about kissing this guy the entire time while I was getting ready for our date. You see, nothing is more intimate and sensual to me than a kiss. This first kiss would set the tone for any future with Mr. D.

He stood at the door quite shy and I knew I had to make the first after he put his shoes on, we both moved in closer.  I took his wrists and clasped his hands behind my back, sprung up on my tippy toes and pressed my bottom lip between his.  Just as I was about to draw his top lip between mine, his tongue vigorously invaded my mouth. It was darting towards my throat, slithering around like a snake.  I tried to block it with my tongue but he hurriedly pushed me back. Then my gag reflexes took over and the much anticipated, make-out magic - turned nightmare was over in a matter of seconds.

As I closed the door,  I composedly leaned back towards it and stood in awe. How can this beautiful creature not know how to kiss?  Has anyone ever told him he's a terrible kisser? How does anyone survive an awkward kiss?

Mae West was once quoted as saying, "Few men know how to kiss well. Fortunately, I've always had time to teach them"...


Frankly I don't have the time or the patience to teach anyone how to kiss...let alone a 35 year old man!

Mr. D. and I shared a lot of laughs and had great conversations. Kissing to me is a language...and clearly he and I are of different tongues.

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